An Open Letter To My School That Recently Put Up A New Sidewalk*

Dear Lambuth University,

Thanks for finally putting in that sidewalk! After (at least) four years, you've finally listened. To be perfectly honest, it wasn't really what I had in mind when I pushed for it, but that's ok! It's there, and that's the important thing, right?

Thanks for running it exactly parallel to the street. It really was too much of a hassle to take the (literally) one step over to make it to the road. I'm so glad that's not a problem anymore! And I'm surprisingly overjoyed to still have the 20 feet of soggy ground to walk on in the opposite direction (which is where I imagined the sidewalk in the first place, but what do I know?).

And thank you so much for leaving all the freshly upturned dirt immediately around the new sidewalk, so that I have no choice but to follow it if I want to keep the hems of my pants from getting muddy. So now I'm practically walking on the road. Which was already there. But this sidewalk is so much better. Thanks.

And yes, more of my gratitude (and probably my tuition) goes to you for tearing up all the cool tree roots to put in this very necessary sidewalk. Not only were they the only things saving my canvas shoes from ruin every rainy day, they were also the greatest natural landmark.

"So where are you?"

"I'm at the roots."

"Ohhhhh ok I have a very clear picture."

In addition, they were one of the only things I liked about this God-forsaken place. So yeah, I'm really glad that they're gone. Forever.

Thanks a lot,
Cat Underwood


*as submitted to McSweeney's Open Letters to People or Entities Who Are Unlikely To Respond